Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
I know we said we never would. But try fucking a fat guy. He put in so much more effort and then made me waffles.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
My professor just told my lab he could drive us around town in his 1991 Lincoln towncar limo for our bar crawl. This just keeps getting better!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize