I just pynch a tree in the face
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Haha. I have resting bitch face. He has I want y'all to die face. It's a subtle difference
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
excused from jury duty. THAT hungover...
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
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