my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
We just shotgunned beers for America
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
