I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
Want any specific kind of beer?
Yeah. Alcohol flavor.
Got it. Anything but Miller.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
We broke up. And I told him he better give me my fucking star wars movies tomorrow. Priorities.
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
