I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
We were dancing and she was clawing my stomach like a fat kid getting to a half broken pinata.
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
