You tied the party balloons to your nipple ring so that everyone would know you partied.
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
She said she was hoping I'd be hotter. I told her I didn't see anybody standing in line to titty fuck her either. She was a great kisser.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
it's like my eyeball is being humped by my eyelid
Randomize
