There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
My idiot ex texted me on Valentine's day to tell me I was right, he did need a therapist.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
