why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
