Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just got fired from my job because i was "too smart" and my immedate response was i am WAY too stoned to be considered smart, and theni walked out the door.
wow. i have no words.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I didn't think four grown drunk men could cuddle on a twin size bed, but we found a way.
He's like a hurricane
a drunk, sexist, hurricane
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
