for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
Randomize
