Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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