plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
