So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
DAMMIT Im supposed to be running a company not discussing dick piercings!
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
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