Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I just made a drug deal 100% through snap chat
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
