I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
You were in the garage half naked counting your ribs and talking about how you had too many
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out
I just threw up blood. Also i just remembered i got hit in the face with a 2 by 4.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
