I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?
myspace Music?
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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