mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I'm bored enough im considering taking up his offer to turn me straight just to kill time until the lasagna is out of the oven
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Sharted again. Stuck in traffic. Fuck
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
Randomize
