honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
plus there's no nice way to tell a guy you physically hate the shape of their cock.
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
Remember the random guy who licked my face when we were at the bar the other night?
Yeah. His name is Andrew. We just met
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
