News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I wish I could go back in time 3 years and tell my freshman self how easy it is to hook up with freshmen
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I kept on yelling at him to get his shit together as he was puking
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
