Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Why is there a keg in our kitchen? I'm not complaining but why is there a keg in our kitchen?
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I had a dream that we had an entire sofa made out of cocaine.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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