I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
Randomize
