You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
we're chasing vodka with high fives
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
I was too lazy to get my chapstick out of my purse so i lubed up my lips with pizza grease. On a scale of 1-10 how embarassed should i be?
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
