Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
This guy needs to come out; I can feel him sucking my dick from across the room.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
I realized my soar muscles form the shape of me leaning over a toilet
Randomize
