I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Ive been using palmolive to shower with for he last week, dont tell me about not having money. Im heading to the bar r u going.
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
GIIIIRL I AM STONED AF AND I HAVE A HOMEMADE POT PIE IN THE OVEN THIS PARTY IS LIT.
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
