Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
My brain says no but my pants say off.
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
so in 24 hours i have gotten caught having sex in my car by a cop, almost burnt off my vag, almost got hit by a semi, and got fired. awesome.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
Randomize
