enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
You have not lived until you have drunkenly grinded on your mother. Daughter of the year right here.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Got upgraded to First Class and now I’ve got the whole Pacific Ocean to seduce the very hot gentleman sitting next to me!!! Door closing, wish me luck!
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