when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I think my AA sponsor just booty called me.
I just made a dick pic collage. Let me just tell you,there is no comparison to the latest!
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
