I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Randomize
