There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
Do I like my job? I just bought 1/2 oz of pot from my supervisor at work. At a discount. And he said, "pay me whenever."
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
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