Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I just tried to dye my pubic hair teal for her
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