Ummmm the art teacher neighbor asked me to pose nude for her art class for cash.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
