you went to subway and got pissed when they refused to deep fry your sub
i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap
I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
IF CHARLIE SCHEEN CAN DO IT I CAN DO IT IM A PROFESSONAL
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Oh Julie took your pants off last night, I put your pajama bottoms on, and Rachel took your bra off. It takes a village.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
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