dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
She even gives head with a lisp.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Is it in poor taste to drop acid before midnight mass?
I love this.
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
Randomize
