I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Small penises have feelings too.
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
