I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
Randomize
