I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
