I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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