Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Apparently they shut down a cook out cause people were selling drugsout the drive thru. Nice to be home
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
I wish i could tell a story about guys I know without the phrase "and then I blew him." coming up.
Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
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