Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Randomize
