I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
You drink it until you puke in a vent one time and it's ruined forever.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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