i get tired of guys telling me there married or they have a girlfriend. they act like it concerns or matters to me
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
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