i just made my gag reflex go away.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
