There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I need to align my fucking chakras
Randomize
