found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
...i have a beer in one hand, and a chicken wing in the same. typical tuesday, right?
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