my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
He walked upstairs in nothing but his boxers and drunkenly asked my brother for a condom....so much for a good first impression.
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