The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.
what ever happened to our old dealer?
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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