sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
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