but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
I'd like to be considered more than just his fuck buddy thanks. IVE BEEN RISKING PREGNANCY FOR SEVEN GODDAMN MONTHS I DESERVE THE TITLE OF GIRLFRIEND
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
