The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Well she got high, deleted the essay she was working on, and then ordered dominos. We all manage stress in different ways.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
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