She's like the female version of the Momento guy. She keeps forgetting that I'm an asshole after we have sex.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
I would really like it if you guys got out of my bush
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
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