I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
IT ISN'T. I'M A LITTLE HIGH.
YOU'RE ALWAYS A LITTLE HIGH.
NO. IT'S RARE THAT I'M A LITTLE HIGH. I'M ALWAYS HIGH AS FUCK. THERE'S A DIFFERENCE.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
So how does one go about leaving their family vacation to hang out with someone they met on tinder
Randomize
