You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Climbing through a window thats four feet off the ground isnt the easiest thing when youre high, trust me.
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
