dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
filled out health questionnaire for lower premiums a little bit too honestly. Literally got assigned a life coach.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
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