dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
It's a whole movie about Joseph Gordon-Levitt watching porn and having sex... I NEED to own it..
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Randomize
