did you know they have Ed Hardy school supplies at Target? it's like folders and notebooks for little douchebags in training.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Randomize
