If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
It's very finicky. Like baking. or BDSM.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Randomize
