Joey just asked me if I ever got anything stuck in my vag.
was it embarrassing when you had to say yes?
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
It was only funny because some guy across the street was getting his mail and he just stopped and watched me throw up everywhere
Woke up backwards on a recliner
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
