i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Randomize
