I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
I'm always down for nudity.
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