When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
he was already passed out before we got there, so i already knew i was going to like him
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
