Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
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