i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
this is a family affair. You're an embarrassment.
whatever it's not my family
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
I forget how to act sober
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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