yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
He wanted to bang in the work van while we were on shift together. He convinced me with "It's like the Scooby Doo van but looks nothing like the Scooby Doo van."
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
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