I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.
...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.
That was a text you sent me last night.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Randomize
